I'm Back

Not sure why, but I deemed it necessary that I continue to write in many forms.

I am indeed tired of being unemployed. It's not the free time that gets me, for I could occupy myself quite easily with cool video games and books and dvds till the end of time. No it's my inability to contribute to the household. Our savings dwindle whilst I mope around the house. And whilst I engage in housework, exercise, etc, it really isn't enough.
A job is needed. I will resort to almost anything now, so long as it pays and eats up some time.
I have not the discipline to manage my time effectively. It is probably my greatest weakness. Time management. I must turn this around somehow.

The uni applications close today. I shall discover come November whether I will be accepted or not. I do hope deeply that I am. Never have I been so convicted of my choices. A writer is exactly what I would like to be, an essayist, a screenwriter, a poet. I'd like to hurry up and get started. In fact I could, and I do to some degree, practice my wordplay around the place, but I need accountability, and I loathe it at the same time.
Such a flawed thing I am. I feel at times that I just trick people into thinking that I am intelligent and eager.
Perhaps I am just boring. But such words are descriptive, not prescriptive.
I can be whatever I want, I just have to make it happen.

I've noticed I write about myself a lot. I think I am a lot more self-centered then I previously realized. It doesn't surprise me much though, and I'm not uncomfortable with the thought.

I need to get out more.
I do hope some work comes along soon.
In any case

19/7/10 - Black and Veidt? The morality of Ozymandias.‏

I'm a huge fan of Alan Moore's Watchmen. It is undoubtedly one of my favourtie books to date. The brutal and masterful way he creates a world, and then explores it's humanity is almost unmatched in it's uniqueness. Whilst each character was as deep and as interesting as the next, the one which grabbed me most was that of Veidt. A man who intentionally removes himself from all inherited oppoprtunites to begin anew with nothing, and then rises to the top of society through strength of character and will, and embracing the responsibilities and ethical mandate that comes with such power.

What is most interesting though is the reveal. Veidt takes it upon himself to orchestrate the slaughter of millions of humans around the globe, the only perceivable way that he, the most intelligent man in the world, can prevent a nuclear apocalypse, by uniting the world against an invented extra-terrrestial enemy.

The scenario invented presents all kinds of comments on the nature of man, war and morality, and it is deeply interesting to see how people respond to it. Many are dismissive of it, taking it as high fantasy, uncomfortable with the idea that such situations could become reality. Some embrace the act as heroic, that a man would take it upon himself such abominations to protect the survival of the human race, whilst others condemn him for making a judgement that was far beyond his jurisdiction.

I'd love to explore further what people think of Adrian Veidt, but this last case is one I found most interesting.

There is so much complexity in exploring the moral frameworks with which we function. Judgements don't come easily to empathic, unlike they do to the ignorant, too the point where they make few judgements at all. The unfortunate truth seems to be that right and wrong are not so obvious, especially in terms of human life, it is not unusual to ask who are we to judge others?

But it seems that in this situation a judgement must be made.

And that is the peculiar thing about Adrian Veidt. He didn't justify the horror of his actions. He ensured he understood the pain he was inflicting upon the world. But felt morally behelden to the survival of the human race, wether it was right or wrong. Perhaps if that's what it takes to save the world, then it is better off dead? Perhaps the ends justifies the means, and survival at any cost is better than anhilation? Is he a necessary evil? Or is he the greatest hero of all, sacraficing even his own perceptions of righteousness and integrity to ensure the survival of the human race?

But what about less extreme circumstances?

Who are to judge how others raise their children? Yet how much suffering must a child endure before intervention is necessary?

Or even less so, who are to judge how others treat their bodies? Yet how many physical and mental diseases must manifest before we illegalize a substance?

Who are we to judge another person's cultural or religious beliefs? Yet under what circumstance are we to let something like infantile genital mutilation continue?

The answers to these questions don't come easily. Morality and humans are so vastly complicated, there are so many variables, so many agendas and so many bias'. How could we ever hope to fully justify a response?

But I think the rub is in this:

A response is unavoidable. I think a lack of judgement is a judgement within itself, just as indecision is an on-going decision. Regardless of how a situation presents itself a response manifests. Even ignoring it presents a response in itself.

The implication as I understand it then, is that we cannot evade passing judgement. We are beholden to it, as we are to anything we've perceived. Even silence will not allow us to avoid this responsibility. Observation doesn't ask for response, for judgement, it evokes it.

The challenge then isn't not to judge, for that is an impossibility. It is to judge the best that we are able to, according to what we know, and probably more importantly, in light of what we don't. Perhaps that involves witholding our judgements, or making them flexible, or quite the opposite.

What a horribly complicated subject, so ready to be tangled in a sea of semantics.

What do others think of Adrian Vedit?

P.S. I recommend the Watchmen. it's a comic book so it's easy to read...sort of.

16/7/10 - TOYS

There is unparralleled quality in Pixar. Every release surprises and delights with unnerving predictability, and Toy Story 3 takes this to a whole new level.

The films imagination unfolds from the very first scene, which delights us with it's adventure, and then threatens us with it's fading. The result is suspense. Andy is going to college, what possibly could old childhood toys be used for? A question we are left pondering for most of the movie. Predictability is thrown out the window, which, in a child's film, is a huge acheivement in itself.

and that's the beauty of this film. It's painted as a kid's film, but it has every element required for fantastic cinema: character development, humour on all levels, sincerity, unpredictability, cinematography, beautiful visuals, incredible ambience. It reawakens all the passions of childhood and makes it appreciated in all the ways we've learnt to understand as adults.

the introduction of new villians and characters are done seamlessly, and hilariously. The plot unfolds slowly and it's a little hard to forsee the destination, but it manages it in a way that kept the third instalment original and fresh, without resorting to tired devices, adn the emotional journey of the characters takes our hearts on a roller coaster ride, and at times threatens to break all those safety rules we comfort ourselves with when watching Kid movies.

There is no veil here. There is no hoodwinking us into thinking this movie is better than it is with shallow jokes, and insincere emotions and pale characters, as is so common with films today. It never tries, it just does, and it does it so well, and in a way that is so accesible, from the youngest youths to the grouchiest adults. this film will draw you in and take your breath away, in will make you recoil in fear, and laugh with joy, and never for a second does it let you get away with thinking 'they're just toys.'

I'm a pretty competitive gamer. If there is no element of competition in a game, then it had better have a damn good story. And if it can't do that then I probably won't be buying it. But it's problematic, because theres come a point in each day where I get tired. When you spend about 11 hours of each day consumed with work, and getting to and from it, it doesn't leave you a lot of energy for the things that really matter. Add a spouse that requires love and attention, and you do the math. The day takes a lot out of you, and nothing is worse than being in that lethargic state and trying to play a decent game of Starcraft.

It's the biggest conflict of spirit and body! I crave the burning flesh of zerglings, but am unable to spew the fires of my hellions sufficiently. I long to Emp those protoss shields, but my reflexes make my ghosts miss their mark, and my own failures only frustrate me further! Only make me burn for victory more fiercly, as it continues to escape my grasp.

I have resigned myself to the sad reality that I'll only ever have 2-3 competitive games in me each night, and that I must merely make do with the little that I have. However if I remain dedicated to excellence that should be enough. A short time that is spent with focus, and enthusiasm will improve me a hundred times more than hours of unimaginative grinding.

11 Days to go...

15/7/10

Ah Human discourse, absolution be thy name. From the epic scale of Philosophy and religion to the tech dabbling of Phone brands, and games, we exaggerate to satisfy our lust for competition, or perhaps to satisfy our passions, and our prejudi (prejudices). All of us fall prey to the claws of this bias. But those caught in the mouth of the beast are by far the most spectacular to observe. Watching the obssesives play out their stubborn loyalties, is like observing acrobatics, a grand display of mental gymnastics, wherein we flinch at all the unnatural and unholy ways the human mind bends and distorts itself to fit in it's box, yet we cannot look away.

I cannot help but think of Apple fanbois. or Republicans. Or Anglicans.

I imagine finding one who is all three. I will avoid that person.

Whilst I did iterate this universal, this reality of bias, I think the fact is largely overstated, and more often used to condemn us all, like a killswitch, or a kamikaze by those who would say 'if I can't have credibility, no one can!' than as a way of humbling conversation. It's like that old use idiotsyncrasy 'well no one's perfect,' as if that were a legitimate excuse for not being perfect. It doesn't work. Well it shouldn't. People will listen to anything nowadays, but people need to remember that some people are more right than others, and we shouldn't hesitate in acknowledging that. There aren't always good reasons on boths sides of the debate. People will never be 100% right, but that doesn't mean there are plenty who are 100% wrong.

that's the problem with these internets. It's not that the proportion of stupid people is higher, it's just that they are a lot more accesible now, and they get a lot of attention because they are so amusing, thank you Jersey Shore.

it's not that people aren't smart, it's just that they are a whole let less smart than they think they are.

14/7/10

I have no regard for people merely for sharing my beliefs. I'm considerably more interested in how they were lead to them. Because whilst we might share the same conclusion, the method in which we get there makes all the difference. Consider the abortion debate. I disagree with it's illegal status, whilst I might enocunter so agrees with such a statement, their reason for doing so is that they disregard human life, or do not count phoetus' as living things, which is something I definitely do not hold to.

You have to be careful who you let jump on your bandwagon. Many causes are often more damaged due to the people who do join it, rather than those who do not.

I think it is for this reason that I strive to have such diversity in the discussion group. I recognize that in these individuals the method for processing their beliefs is firmly based in reason and rational, despite the many varied places it has taken them especially in light the many places in which they have been. I see that as the unifying trait, the common ground in which we will grow together.

There are times wherein I wish I had immortality, or did not sleep, or any ability that would permit me to absorb the oversaturation of arts that has drenched our lives. It's like a whirling tornado of creativity, or a locust plague of awesomeness. There's no time to appreciate it all, you just have to pounce on whatever you can grab, before it all slips away. Everyday there is a lifetime of books written, of films created, of music played. I wish that I had the time to take it all in, to gasp at every wonder, to laugh at every joke, to be fascinated by every fact, to be enlightened by every philosophy, to be caught breathless at every cresendo. It is difficult not to despair at all the experiences that I am missing, at all the lives I could be living. But I must remember that I am merely human, and that whatever I might be able to get my hands on is a world of awesome in itself, and that I should be grateful for the little I receive, and not resent the rest that passes beyond my reach.

It is a fantastic problem. I am grateful to have it.

13/7/10

I immersed myself into the day with a feeling of slight discomfort and insecurity, It was not enough to divert the overall atmosphere of my routine, but still caused some greivance nonetheless. I think it is a consequence of having psychology majors as housemates. It seems the study of the human mind mostly increases the appreciation of how suseptable it is, of how little control we truly harness over our own existense, our own decisions. And I think that saddens me. Perhaps it's because I believe in the power of decisions more than I realise. The reality of how deterministic our lives are I think makes me feel helpless. Inadequate, and ultimately pointless. Maybe there's the rub. I am just a story being told.

But I will keep trying. I must keep trying.It's my destiny. HA! see what i did therE?

But I take comfort in the few things: that life is beautiful, regardless of how I handle it. I want it to last forever.

12/7/10

I've permitted myself to get away with not writing on weekends. I think it's important for me to have days off to refill my creativity.

Tonight I hope to have a a swirling hurricane of ideas and insights run through my lounge room. I am confident in people who have volunteered there attendance and I am excited to see what sort of topics we're going to see circulate. I'm surprised at my own anticiation in terms of common ground though. The diversity inherant in the group is entirely intetnional, to reflect a specturm of opinion, but to see where this diversity comes together in union, in one harmony, that will be quite something.

My expectations aren't too high, but I am keen nontheless. Just the mere fact that I have harnessed some of that activistic energy that dissapates all too often into the masses of apathy excites me. For if I can continue to find and grow together with more like-minded learners than I feel there is much we could acheive, much we could learn and much we could teach.

I am a little anxious, I must confess. There are bound to be tensions when there are differences but I hope the intellectual integrity comes to the fore, and will be recongnized and flourished with each individual. There is a way to escape the melancholic apathy of everydayers. It is a privilige, and a happiness to be excited about life.

Also, Starcraft 2 is sooo much fun

9/7/10 it's what I know.

Sometimes I wonder why I tend to talk about apostasy and Christianity and it's flaws , but I think it's because it's a topic I know so well. I've lived and breathed it, and it changed the direction of my life, so I think it is only natural that I want to think and write about it.
I can see this enthusiasm for these topics taken as some type of bitter 'lashing out' attack on God or church or whatever, but it isn't. Usually they are mere observations that I find interesting. I think the reason it is taken as such is the sensitivity of those whose opinion on these things is already decidedly favourable towards them, Oversensitivity perhaps, or maybe I'm too blunt.
But that is why I write here, and not in the blatant social forum that is Facebook, where I will not be understood for the most part, due to lack of want.
It does frustrate me to see the religious propagation. It's so impartial and dishonest, but I know any words I offer, no matter how true they would ring would cause more conflict than resolution. I am not willing to sacrafice so many relationships so suddenly.
I had something else really interesting to write about but it's escaped me completely...

Ah well. Life goes on. I'm excited.

8/7/10

It's so depressing when you see a person attempt to justify their own insecurity and inadequacy by projecting it upon their children, whether it be done in the name or religion, or racism, or whatever. It seems the best way to feel better about your own weaknesses is to pass them on. Which is shit.

Consider the wars that last generations. The only way this emnity survives is because it is inherited. We justify our actions by propogating them.

I think that it is the perogative of the next generation to outdo the last. I think nothing humbles a man further than correction from a youth. Are children a way of edifying our own values and ideals? or a way of bettering them? What is their purpose? Ack questions.

Not being a parent myself, my insight if likely limited. However I have been a child. I have grown up with a bunch of other children. It is difficult to disagree with those who made you, to reject what they offered and ask for more than they alone can give. But if we were to settle for what our parents wanted, than we would merely survive. I want to thrive.

How fortunate I am to have a father who, despite his fears, his discomfort, chooses to relish in my growth, and not resent it. I hope that with any child of my own, my desire will be that they are twice the person I am, and they will make me ashamed at how inadequate I appear in comparison. That they take the best part of me and make it better, and let the worst parts follow me to the grave.

Well that was a bit of a messy, but somethings better than nothing I guess

7/7/10

The day moves toward it's end, and I have yet to bring myself to express in this medium. I would alight on the matter of Asylum Seekers but even I tire of the topic. The lack of empathy depresses me.

It has been interesting to reflect on the beast that my work has become. The excitement and creativity with which I approached the challenges of this project have perished in a wave of red tape, regulation, and miscommunication. When trying reaps the same rewards as not, motivation becomes a rare commodity. I have now accustomed myself to the beast. It picks it's nose, drools, and yells confusingly, while I patiently wipe it's ass, and spoon feed it until the day reaches it's close, and it shuts the hell up.

The fact is that it refused my best, so now it must make do with whatever I have to give to get by. If i worked up something spectacular it wouldn't know what to do with it anyway. So whilst I can understand the occasional reprimand from my superiors, the query as to why my contributions have diminished, I do wish they'd appreciate the fact that the reason is because those contributions were blatantly ignored.

It sort of crushes my soul, but at least I've built up some resilience. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and fat wads of cash to soften the blows,

And the grumpasauras I come home to is happy, and at the moment, that's what matters most.

I happily anticpate the day where I am in a place in which I can give my all, and it actually makes a difference. What a thing that would be! I am so keen for university.

6/7/10‏

'Don't half-ass it' is a prevalent message in the world of Christianity today. The Church enthusiasts find their efforts frustrated regularly by the demons of complacency, and there is no shortage of reprimand for those who don't take Mission seriously. And even that may not be enough, if the given consequences are eternal, and not just eternal, but also polar opposites, with unending torment on one hand and perpetual bliss on the other. I would say nothing would ever be enough.

But I think that too swiftly these hesitations are linked with apathy. I have witnessed great compassion from those who would label themselves believers, but a distinct lack of zeal in areas that if so vital would deserve a considerably larger portion of their urgency. The hesitation that upsets the zealots so, deserves a closer look, for I believe that it is in this vice of the faithful that we discover the vastly understated quasi-religious: The doubters, the learners, and the humble.

Evangelical Christianity is very absolutist about conversion. A commitment to Jesus comes with a lot of baggage. For once you say that prayer, you are decided on far more than a faith in Jesus. you are decided on matters of history, on matters of morality, on matters of spirituality and philosophy. At least, that is what is expected of you. But the problem is that for a huge amount, this decisiveness is a merely an illusion, a false sense of security. Most people can only say 'I don't know' when it comes to many of these matters, and considering the huge diversity in ideas and claims in these fields of knowledge even when limited to Christian circles, this should be no surprise. I was raised as a christian for 20 years and I still don't know. How confusing then, must it be that they are accused of complacency, that to meet the expectations of those around them they must convince themselves that they are convinced, that they are convicted.

Perhaps the hesitation, the 'complacency', are the words 'I don't know' hiding in a culture that won't let you. Perhaps the inability to share the Gospel comes from an inability to grasp it for themselves. Perhaps their meager knowledge prevents them preaching to others that they are wrong, and that they are right.

These unconvicted need a voice, they need a place, and they need a pat on the back for their honesty, and not an accusing finger for their existense. They don't hesitate because they don't care. They hesitate because they don't know.

Which begs the question: Why don't they know?

For me admitting I didn't know was difficult. But then finding out that it's probably because no one does was harder...

But not pretending has been better. The humility edifies my soul.

Ah, So confusing, but also, so cunning. We underestimate our own desire to belive what we want.

5/7/10 - power corrupts?

I am skeptical of the idea that power corrupts. I see little correlation between a man's influence and a man's moral integrity. Perhaps corrupt is the incorrect word. I think it is more, power reveals corruption. Nothing shows you more about a person than the way in which they exercise their authority. The phrase brings to mind generically corrupted authoritarians like Hitler, Idi Amin, etc. but further consideration brings to mind figures who contradict this sentiment: Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, the two richest men in the world, both full time philantropists, whose power has enabled them to contribute to humanity in such a way that is beyond many of our wildest dreams. If Power corrupts, and as they say, absolute power corrupts absolutley, then we're all right royally frenched.

This is why size is not an issue for me. Governments, Corportations, Business, Family, Big or small, can be good or bad. The integrity of their actions isn't proportioned to the size of the institute. Look at Google as a worldwide example. Or the local drug dealership.

It is easy to hide vices, however, when no one cares who you are. And perhaps the sentiment stems from the fact that our corruption cannot express itself until it is given the means to do so.

Thus we identify the distinction:

Corruption is not borne of power, but rather power enables it to manifest. Power reveals.

Maybe this is why we hate our leaders so much.

1/7/10‏

Ah yes, this is where the struggling begins...

A slow day at work, where the minutes crawl by like snails, and stimulation is scarce. Where I begin scarping at the bottom of the creativitity barrel for some type of anything. I'm hoping that if I continue meandering in meaningless dialogue some type of inspiration will strike me like lightning. No luck so far, not a cloud on the horizon.

Perhaps it is my own criticism for my own content. I write a lot of trash, and rereading that trash depresses me a great deal, as it confirms the fact that I am a trashmaker. I delete a lot. The curse of this fact is that I produce little. It may be quality but it comes with so much irregularity that being consistent becomes unrewarding. I wish I could just skip to being Stephen King.

I get tired of this 'Stop the Boats!' rhetoric I keep hearing. Here's the most practical way to stop the boats: end all wars or start our own. There's a lot to indicate that John Howard didn't stop the boats, the lack of war in our part of the world did.

If there's killers out there in the world, then there are also bound to be people running away from those killers, those killers being terrorists, rebels, diseases, poverty, famine, corruption, whatever you can poke a stick at. The political spin on this has marginalized the suffering and desperation of these victims, and allowed Australian's to induldge a dismissive resentment towards these people, accussing them of crimes they cannot even understand they've committed.

I acknowledge that the issue is complicated. There are legitimate immigrants to consider, security issues, integration etc.

But I can deduct this:

Suffering people come to our shores, and we incarcerate them in conditions that cause mental trauma and depression with no end in sight, and Australia attempts to justify that in vastly overstated political jargon and exaggerated fear-mongering. That is what I find unacceptable in the Government, and in my fellow citizens.

There is no easy answer, but there are obvious ways forward from the cruel shitstorm of politicial motivated policies that are in place now. I do hope that soon, stopping the suffering of these people gets the priority it deserves, instead of the indulgence of fears to win votes.

Peace,

Michael Thackray,

(Looks like my technique worked.)

30/6/10‏

I picked up the bass guitar for the first time in what felt like a million years yesterday. It was like coming home, but only after being away so long that the details comes through in trickles, as opposed to flooding in. Grooving in the back room of my brother's home reminded me of the strange world that is music, the diversity, the expression, the convolution and union. It made me wonder if this is the world I should be making home. Either way I plan to visit it more occasionally.

I read the distasteful League of Extraordinary Gentlemen for the 2nd time around yesterday, and I was just as captured by it's brilliance and creativity as the first time. There is a great deal of genius squeezed into Moore's work, he seems to transcend the shallows that normally pertain to superhero comic books. It is unfortunate that most are put off by the more disturbing scenarios in his arsenal, and I confess too that I find some occasions similarly disturbing, but this comic is not written to indulge us. It's bizarre fantasy explores humanity ruthlessly, it's confronting content denies our dismissiveness, It is his world, not ours in which we immerse, and Moore insists upon it. 'You may take it, or you may leave it' it seems to say.

It is interesting to analyze what our comfort bubbles deny us. It is often easier to ignore situations that upset us. It is more convenient that they do not exist in our world, but as we ignore the undesired so we sacrafice the thrilling contrast of their redemption. We cannot fully appreciate the destruction of the One Ring, unless we endure the pains it inflicted upon Frodo. We cannot fully celebrate Voldemort's demise without empathizing with the murder of Harry's parents. We cannot offer genuine pity to a sexually abused child without trying to understand their suffering. We cannot offer insight to a worldview we refuse to perceive.

Are we not most comforted by those who most understand our anguish? Perhaps this is reason enough to understand depravity, to understand evil, rather than ignore it, and hate it.

30/6/10‏

Ah the nuances of the daily grind that erodes at the essence of my soul. I fear this job is making me boring... or maybe just making me rash.

Few enjoy stirring the pot more than I do. Nothing satisfies me more than opening a can of worms and watching the havoc follow. But what I relish in is the understanding that follows, the growth that takes place in this fertile thought-soil. It feeds my soul, and in this barren landscape I try to create such opportunities probably too often and too bluntly, where as I think they might come more naturally and more effectively if I had dwelt in a more edifying environment, and was more consistently exposed to my comrades-in-learning. Ah yes, this rare growth needs to come more often, if I don't grow I rot, and I have too much rotting of late.

Ever thankful am I for those with whom I dwell, whose rare natural curiousities, empahties and passions for life water my soils almost daily.

I want to share their wisdom, and facebook is my forwarding option. I drop bombs to clear the way for their sensibilities, and they sow some pretty great seeds.

Boo. I am dispassionate because I love to learn, I enjoy competition, I enjoy being challenged. I spend 8 hours of each day despondent and bored and tired of being bored, and 2 hours trying to get to and from it. My enthusiasm and optimism could only take so many beatings, so many disappointments. Now I am just adjusting to the terms of surrender. I work, I try, I even go the occasional extra mile, I also earn some pretty good money, and I suffer. However the smile I come home to makes it worth the while, at least, for now. It gives me life. It is my life.

That.

And starcraft.

I'm allowed to write these in advance, right?

29/6/10 - the write thing to do.‏

It dawned on me today that the legends and heroes of the literary world aren't just great writers, who come in some abundance, but extraordinarily disciplined workers. It is is the distinguishing feature that I fear will render me avearage, as I am beholden to my laziness. I am in love with it. That is to say it is an addiction that I embrace, that I aspire to. Anything that can be put off till tomorrow, IS, for I am a man who seizes the immediate. This unfortunately has dire consequences for future immediates, and consequently life gets progressively stale, progressively the-same if you will. I put in mediochre efforts and I reap mediochre harvests, which I have become accustomed to, and even grateful for. Perhaps I should be more anal about what can be derived from my existence.

So in light of all these pre-discovered revelations, I have decided a daily blog is the best thing. Not for readers. Being the audience to my daily ramblings I think would merely confuse or exasperate most. But for me. For my own growth, for my own skills and for my own work ethic. Because I can write. I articulate gooder than them guys there. I pride myself in it. But what good is it, if it never produces something of worth? It becomes a mere self-indulgence. A uselessness in which to delude myself with worthiness.

Let's see how I rate.

Man deluding himself

This ones quite old. worth posting though.

Man's ability to delude himself persists to amaze me, as exemplified by my very own Christian Leaders. Here is a man familiar with the workings of a myriad of scholars, intricately familiar with their ideas and concepts but only able to perceive them in his created black and white christian context. Is it any wonder than, that religion is in the state it is in? A failure to empathize with doubters and the refusal to open up the possibility of doubt helps man create the ultimate illusion in religion. By luring individuals into circumstances that force emotional investment into some religious presupposition, they are being held in thrall by their own minds, carefully disguising delusion, brain-washing and circular logic as piety and apologetics. And apologetics is the very problem, because the fault is not with the excuses, or reasoning, because the current state of argument speaks for itself. The problem lies deeply ingrained in the attitude of each religious individual. It is the ever subtle fundamental mentality of "I cannot be wrong." As soon as this attitude changes, the natural progression of the inquisitive human mind automatically leads the individual away from the fundamental attitudes of the faith, leading either to an abadonment or liberal shift in their perception of Christianity as I have witnessed in any christian individual who sincerely opens themself to doubt. And these christians are rare because they don't remain as such for long.

The problem with deconversion though is that you actually strip all a person perceives themself to have. Whilst untrue in my perspective, as life is the most extraodinary experience ever, the idea that it is a fleeting test compared to eternity does much to downplay our perception of it. If a person has this attitude then all their moral values are tied into their faith. Depriving then leaves them morally bankrupt, and thus tend to a hedonistic life, creating a polarity between those "remaining in faith" against those who "have fallen away," thus justifying the small-minded view that those who don't live for a deity obviously exist only for their own pleasure. The evidence supporting such an idea stems ultimately from the inherent flaws in the faith itself. To downplay the moral significance of anything other than that which is supposedly divinely inspired, results in a disillusioned attitude to the immediate. The insignificance of life leads to an apathetic stance on any "worldly" values.

Not pascal's wager...

I found the following from a website called www.deconversion.com full of apostates and it was their answer to Pascal's wager. It's not perfect but I think does a whole lot better than his does.... :

0--------------------------------0

Whether or not you believe in God, you should live your life with love, kindness, compassion, mercy and tolerance while trying to make the world a better place. If there is no God, you have lost nothing and will have made a positive impact on those around you. If there is a benevolent God reviewing your life, you will be judged on your actions and not just on your ability to blindly believe in creeds- when there is a significant lack of evidence on how to define God or if he/she even exists

me lashing out angrily and irrationally :D

this is semi-old but amused me to re-read:

I find the natural aversion to what people call "children's films" frustrating and annoying. So many-a-times these films dwarf their adult counter-parts in all aspects except nudity and gore, and yet are largely ignored for their accessilibilty. I encountered an oaf who couldn't comprehend how C

oraline was enjoyable. Words failed me.

Apparently flawless animation, incredible art design and cinematography, excellent musical sequences, clever characters and an intriguing and suspenseful plot count for nothing nowadays. They simply don't measure up to a glimpse at some boobs, fast cars, and some explosions.

And that's the most depressing thing. It's the reason Paris hilton is a celebrity, it's the reason 5 gum is a huge success, it's why Fast & furious topped the Box office in it's opening week. It's because people are petty and pathetic. These things appeal to the most basic of desires and senses, and the masses in their one-step minds lap it up, refusing to look past the "that makes me look cool" mentality of a superficial society. How ironic, that the "children's films" of our society can't be understood by our adults.

Now I enjoy mindless violence, explosions, and more recently awesome robots that become cars as much as the next person, but for goodness sake don't try and dress it up as if it means something. Let us enjoy it for what it is, and not pretend that it serves any other type of purpose to the movie.

Me and Mr McNeill

This was written a month agoish to my Year 13 Director, letting him know about my "apostasy."
I felt he had a right to know, given what he requested at the end of the year. He did reply, and he did show concern, but I don't think he had a lot to offer, given how hugely invested in the faith he was, he could afford to take my concerns seriously. Fair enough. I don't think I would've been able to either. I started a bit of something but it didn't really get anywhere, which was fine.


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Hi Jodie,

It's Michael Thackray. Hope things are well with you.

I recall towards the end of our year 13 course you told us to give you a call, or a buzz if we find ourselves sliding away. That's what I'm doing now.

It totally sucks. Basically I'm trying to do the right thing, seek the truth sincerely, calling out to God a crapload, and I find the more sincerely and properly I do it the further away I get from Christianity, more so the church.

It's obviously very complicated, and I'm considering everything carefully. I still pray a lot too.

I won't raise the billions of reasons for and against here, namely because it'd be a pointless endeavour, and I'm tired of being told things I've been told for 21 years as if I've never heard them before.

It's not a blanket rejection of Christianity or the church for that matter. I still think there's lots of truth and good stuff in there, but I cannot pretend to be certain about it unanimously. I feel more appreciative of God than ever, and Jesus and his resurrection still remain very interesting.

I am not putting myself above God, and I'm not rebelling against him.

People's attitudes tend to assume that I'm doing those things. On the contrary my hunger for him has never been so veracious and that desire for something real has been what's lead me here in the first place. It's very difficult seeing the people who were a big part of my life jump to these conclusions to discredit me. I'm not bitter, or resentful, I would have done the same thing. It still hurts though.

So that's pretty much it. Basically I'm standing back and saying "I don't know," and that's after a lifetime of thinking I did.

You have a right to know, with Year 13 and all that. I'm more than happy to talk about it.

I guess that's all.

Hope everything is well with you,

Michael Thackray,

P.S. I heard about the bus accident with your kids. Pretty crazy. Was relieved to hear that they were okay.

Also, I am following you on Twitter.