6/7/10‏

'Don't half-ass it' is a prevalent message in the world of Christianity today. The Church enthusiasts find their efforts frustrated regularly by the demons of complacency, and there is no shortage of reprimand for those who don't take Mission seriously. And even that may not be enough, if the given consequences are eternal, and not just eternal, but also polar opposites, with unending torment on one hand and perpetual bliss on the other. I would say nothing would ever be enough.

But I think that too swiftly these hesitations are linked with apathy. I have witnessed great compassion from those who would label themselves believers, but a distinct lack of zeal in areas that if so vital would deserve a considerably larger portion of their urgency. The hesitation that upsets the zealots so, deserves a closer look, for I believe that it is in this vice of the faithful that we discover the vastly understated quasi-religious: The doubters, the learners, and the humble.

Evangelical Christianity is very absolutist about conversion. A commitment to Jesus comes with a lot of baggage. For once you say that prayer, you are decided on far more than a faith in Jesus. you are decided on matters of history, on matters of morality, on matters of spirituality and philosophy. At least, that is what is expected of you. But the problem is that for a huge amount, this decisiveness is a merely an illusion, a false sense of security. Most people can only say 'I don't know' when it comes to many of these matters, and considering the huge diversity in ideas and claims in these fields of knowledge even when limited to Christian circles, this should be no surprise. I was raised as a christian for 20 years and I still don't know. How confusing then, must it be that they are accused of complacency, that to meet the expectations of those around them they must convince themselves that they are convinced, that they are convicted.

Perhaps the hesitation, the 'complacency', are the words 'I don't know' hiding in a culture that won't let you. Perhaps the inability to share the Gospel comes from an inability to grasp it for themselves. Perhaps their meager knowledge prevents them preaching to others that they are wrong, and that they are right.

These unconvicted need a voice, they need a place, and they need a pat on the back for their honesty, and not an accusing finger for their existense. They don't hesitate because they don't care. They hesitate because they don't know.

Which begs the question: Why don't they know?

For me admitting I didn't know was difficult. But then finding out that it's probably because no one does was harder...

But not pretending has been better. The humility edifies my soul.

Ah, So confusing, but also, so cunning. We underestimate our own desire to belive what we want.