This is an email between me and the Pastor of my old church. He's a really great guy and has treated me so respectfully and honestly, and really been open to what I've had to say. We did meet up, and I hope we do again in the future, as he has a lot I think I could learn from. It was really encouraging to know that there are believers out there genuinely interested in my issues, beyond "holy crap lets make him a christian again."
I have removed one or two sentences that I found a bit too public.
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Hi Neil,
No problem. I have always held you as reasonable and impartial man, and I know that I can.
I am open to meeting semi-regularly, although with work and marriage fitting it in might be a task, but I think it'd be good for me, and I'd love to hear your story. If might also give my father some peace of mind. I'll give it some more thought, but when would you be free too? just so I can work towards it.
With my father, it is quite frankly difficult. He has a very 'set' view of things, for lack of a better word, and I have to come to accept that he is going to try and squeeze me into it, and I'm just going to make it very hard for him to do that. I still love him a lot. We're going to butt heads a lot, we've both acknowledged that, and it will cause strain but I am comforted in the knowledge that above all else he still loves me, and he'll have to face me for what I am, not what he tries to perceive me to be.
I appreciate your fourth point, and it's reassuring to see that humility, and I think highlights the need for me to meet with you regularly, and continuly seek other points of view.
Thanks again for everything Neil. I appreciate your understanding and more importantly your empathy. I know my family and church family care about where I am, It's just hard to see if they care why I'm there.
Regards
From: neil@stclairbaptist.org.au [mailto:neil@stclairbaptist.org.au]
Sent: Tuesday, 20 October 2009 4:48 PM
To: Thackray, Michael
Subject: Re: Michael Thackray says hi and all this other stuff
First of all thanks for trusting me with this stuff.
Secondly I would like to make myself available to meet with you regularly or semi-regularly not for me to convince you of anything but rather to hear you. I think you may be very surprised how similar parts of our journeys may be. In fact many years ago when I was struggling with stuff I met with Les Scarborough in a similar way. I would count it a privilege if I could serve you in this way.
Thirdly (and I hold my breath saying this in case you take it the wrong way) I want to tell you that I have concerns about things your father has said to me (and some publicly) about you. I have tried to pursue some of them with him, realising that he is your father and feels things very deeply but without a great deal of success.
Fourthly I also have to say that there are possibly many things that I have quite different opinions on to that of your father and/or John Windle. There may be things I have quite different opinions on to you as well. That's life. Learning to accept each other for who we are is a mark of respect that I believe is essential in life. I do not have an infallible understanding of God, life or the universe. Nor does anyone else. We are all struggling in our own ways to understand these things. None of us have made it. There are opinions I have that I don't air publicly for fear of being misunderstood, because I don't think my opinions will be helpful to others or simply because I am still working them out.
Hope this all makes some sense
bless ya
Neil
Thackray, Michael wrote:
Hi Neil,
Hope things are well with you.
I'm writing this email because I think it is good to be transparent and honest in all things, and to avoid keeping you, amonst others (e.g my father, John Windle etc.) in the dark as to where I stand with Church and being a Christian. Also I don't want to be dismissed as a mere apostate or something, because that's probably exactly what I would've done if I had seen someone like myself today, 3 or 4 years ago, and I think that would be an unfair judgement on me. I don't think you personally hold that view, but others might.
It's hard to know where to start or what to say exactly so forgive me if I'm somewhat incoherent. Basically at some point I decided living as a Chrsitian because I was raised as one, or because I had the right friends, or I was merely in the right place at the right time wasn't good enough. I decided that I'd seek God and the Truth sincerely, so that irrespective of my cultural and religious upbringing God would lead me to him. So I'm doing that now, and it really sucks. In order to maintain sincerity and integrity in this journey I have to look at all things carefully and crticially, and I that includes the faith I was brought up in, and I can't pretend to be certain about it short of either lying to myself and those around me, or brainwashing myself. And I think deluding myself or pretending about something as important as this is would be a foolish gamble.
So it sucks big time. I'm pretty much what most of us would call an 'apostate/backslider,' and it's pretty much because I've endeavoured to seek God sincerely and impartially, and I am constantly doubting myself everyday, asking questions everyday to myself and to others, and pray a crapload, but I'm still plagued with uncertainty. Maybe God's intentionally keeping me in the dark, or holding out on giving me whatever it is that allows people to be so sure in their faith, or maybe there's problems with the whole things. I don't know. And those three words pretty much sum up where I'm at. And after 21 years of living it, and the past 3-4 years trying to prove it, I still don't know, and I can longer pretend I do. i can't merely have faith, because then it's just a matter of dumb luck - I have faith in the right God, religion, sect, etc. and is something akin to blind trust.
I still remain committed to God, especially God as truth (the two are inseperable to me) as mysterious as he is. I remain open-minded and my heart is not hardened. If God is who I was told he was, then he is guiding my steps, but insofar the lights have remained of, and there are many problems with Christianity that I have not found good answers for, merely excuses, although I will keep searching. Jesus and his resurrection remains an enigma but something I am highly interested in but I cannot pretend to be certain about it.
I still think there's a lot of beautiful people in the Church, I think the community aspect is great, and there's a lot of truth and love there too both of which are very important things, and I understand that we are only human, but I am finding that there are too many holes and problems that are continously overlooked for me to continue in it, and if I'm too take seeking God and the Truth seriously, I am not permitted to with things as they stand. Perhaps as I keep moving forward that will change.
I will probably still attend every now and then, and be involved with the people there, as I think there's still a lot the church has to offer, and even where I can serve my fellow man. Love is important, and church does it pretty well for the most part. And most of my values are still in-line with Christians. It's the facts I am struggling with.
I'd ask that you be careful about this information. I don't wish to deceive people, but I am being very selective and cautious about how I share my journey, thoughts and feelings. This is because I can appreciate how easy it is for people to misunderstand and dismiss me, and I don't want people forming opinions about until they've at least tried to understand my position. Kyle for example, whom I love like a brother, is already beginning to dismiss me as some hedonistic rebellious new age weirdo, and I know I would've done the same thing, but it still sucks and it still hurts. However I trust your judgement, in that you will endeavour to ensure misunderstandings do not occur.
I'm more than happy to talk about and share what I'm going through. Just make sure your not telling me things I've heard for the past 21 years. It can be a bit frustrating when people say them as I've never heard them before. Especially when I probably know it better than they do :p
Otherwise, I thought you would want to know, and as the pastor of St Clair, have a right to know.
God bless (if he wants to anyways),
Michael
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